You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
