when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
