we're blogging at a bar
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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