Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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