Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
