is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
