I faked an abortion last night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
