I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
