Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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