moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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