Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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