She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
