my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
