I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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