All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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