My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
