haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
