6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm eating all of the evidence.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
