captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize