so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
