I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
