Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
