jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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