um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
