My friends, they love my intelligence
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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