I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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