When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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