my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
