i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
