You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
