U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
