If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
