i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
