david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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