I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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