first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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