Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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