i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
A bitchslap is in order.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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