john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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