can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
