I wish I could punch you in the face.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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