she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
