and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize