i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
