I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
