It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
