We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
