Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
