You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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