Already got asked if we're dating
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
