I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
