The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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