I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
