I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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