I'm jealous of your bromance
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
