nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just blew my weed a kiss
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
