Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
