Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
