Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
