im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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