you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You pole danced in your parka.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
