I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
as a side note pls kill me
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize