and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
