Please, let me fuck your mom
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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