I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
